For those looking for love in all the wrong places, there is hope—or at least precedent. And that hope is increasingly found via online dating platforms. These platforms have become the go-to for those looking for love online, far outstripping blind dates set up by friends. In fact, tens of millions of Americans of all ages are now connecting on any one of the hundreds of online dating services. That’s the good news. The challenging part is understanding how these platforms work so that those looking for romance can put themselves in the best position to find it. Thankfully, WellWell was able to get Julie Spira, who is reported to be America’s leading online dating expert, to offer some sound advice. She spoke with us recently about the dos and don’ts of finding love online. Read on.
Is online dating more popular than ever?
That is for sure. I always love to cite this Stanford study about how couples meet because they have been tracking this for 40 years about how people are meeting online. So back in 1995, online dating ranked at 2 percent of how couples met. And of course, the number one way people met was through friends at 33 percent. Well, now that we are looking at the latest data for 2022, certainly things changed during the pandemic, but that number went from 2 percent to 53 percent. So, online dating is the number one way that couples are meeting in the United States. I would say it’s been the number one way since 2012, but for all of the people who come to me and say, I want to meet somebody through a friend. Well, right now that ranks as number three, only 15 percent of couples met through friends and 53 percent of couples met online. That’s a dramatic change.
What’s bringing about the change? Is it the remote nature of work and socialization?
I think the remote nature of work contributed to the growth, but the spike was going up anyway because in 2017, 39 percent, almost 40 percent of couples were meeting online. That was definitely number one, double the amount who were meeting through friends. And I think it really comes down to my friends not fixing me up, but I’d like to find somebody I’d like to fall in love with. They are going online because they’re hearing, yeah, my next-door neighbor met somebody at Match.com and got married. They’re meeting people and it’s very unusual for anyone out there to say, I don’t know anyone who met online, not these days. Yeah.
Has the practice of dating online evolved and changed? How does it compare to a traditional matchmaker?
I think there’s a huge market for traditional matchmakers. Matchmakers typically like to work with men and there are a lot of female clients that I have that I like to send to my matchmaker friends and they say, well, we’re not taking women. And I go, how do you match people if you’re not taking women? Matchmakers deal with their database and the people that they know and they have met through their database. I’m a digital matchmaker. I actually have a trademark for Digital Matchmaker. It’s my brand. And as the Digital Matchmaker, it’s a hybrid approach. When I coach singles on finding love, it doesn’t just stop there. I pick out their matches together with them and we do searches together. Well, I’ve got a really big universe. Right now, if I look at the numbers from 2024 of how many people in the United States are using online dating sites and apps, the number is amazing. We hit 60 million people. So, my database, depending on the site that I’m using, is gigantic. And that number is expected to go up to about 66 million in 2028. So, the numbers are growing.
How is your approach different than going to match.com or some other service where there’s an algorithm or technology that matches likes and interests?
There are three different things that I do. I start with the predate preparation, which is where we take a personal inventory of your love life, we look at patterns of this worked or this didn’t work, and why are you dating the same kind of person over and over and finding failed relationships? And then we look at these unrealistic expectations and the long lists of the perfect person. Then we hone down to the list of traits that somebody’s looking for to make it more realistic for someone to find a match that is their perfect match. Then we work on the dating app profile. I decide with them which is the best app for them. If somebody is looking for marriage and children, I might post their profile in one place. If somebody is looking to meet a lot of people to go on fun dates because they got out of a long marriage and never really had a chance to date, I might send them to completely different sites. So, people have different dating goals, but we work on the dating app profile and it’s fun. We do a photo shoot and we pick out the outfits and then we pick out the best 10 photos and put them on the site. And then we finally go to the matching, chatting and meeting stage. And that’s also a fun process because people evolve the more they go on dates, the more they realize what they don’t want and what they do want. So, every week I’m with each client in a private coaching session and I select 10 people that I think are good matches for them. And we give the thumbs up or the thumbs down. And I could say no to this one because I could tell that there’s an enormous amount of red flags. And then I could say here’s somebody who is such a hidden gem that you would not meet because maybe they’re too nice or they’re not a bad boy or whatever. I encourage them to go out with somebody on my list who is not the same type of person that they have gone out with repeatedly. And that’s the process. Again, predate preparation, dating app profile creation and then matching chatting and ultimately meeting and taking that relationship from online to offline.
Over the years, how have the demographics changed in online dating?
I currently coach about 65 percent of women. There are still men that I am coaching and the men that I work with, they’re people who have built their careers and spent so much time building their empires, their kingdoms, that they forgot to nest. And they wake up one day and they’re ready to nest. They’ve done well with their careers and they want to put their best foot forward. So, if somebody were to hire a recruiter and get a resume writer to make sure that they can get the best job they can possibly get and look their best. The popularity of dating coaches has continued to grow because people also want to look their best because hopefully, your love life will last a lot longer than a particular number of years at a job.
What is the demographic breakdown of the women you are helping? Does it skew younger or older?
It’s very interesting because when you look at the different demographics, it’s very surprising to me, but there are people in their 20s and then there are people in their 70s, 80s and 90s. And you’re going, wait, my grandmother and I are on the same dating app? Yes, it’s multi-generational because if somebody loses a spouse or gets divorced in their 60s or 70s, you’re looking at these boomers who have never been online because they were busy with their families and suddenly they have an empty nest. So, where the sweet spot might be in the middle, the big growth is for the younger people who are so attached to their phones and perhaps they’re just swiping and swiping and they’re getting swipe fatigue and they’re not finding those perfect matches for them and they’d like to have a family. They like to get married, they want to settle down, and they’re concerned about their age and they shouldn’t be because there’s no expiration on finding love, but they are concerned. I would say some of the biggest growth I’m also seeing is really what we would call the boomers. If you look at the popularity of the shows, Michelle Obama has her show Later Daters, the people in their 60s who are looking for love, and seriously they’re not looking for hookups they are looking for love and then of course there’s the golden bachelorette and the golden bachelor stories that have people fixated on this particular demographic and so this demographic is seriously looking for love and the easiest way to meet someone is online.
What’s the challenge of meeting someone online?
Well, I think the list of unrealistic expectations gets in everybody’s way. And when people go online on their own, which they do and they should, they’re posting blurry photos, they’re posting selfies. They aren’t putting what I call their best digital foot forward. Make sure you have a friend with a great camera on their iPhone or their Galaxy. But have a friend take 50 photos of you in three to five different outfits and try and make sure that you’re only as attractive as your least attractive photo. So, I feel that the apps are doing a really good job helping and guiding the singles. For instance, there’s a feature called The Best Photo or the smart photos. And that’s where AI and the algorithms do their digital magic. If you toggle that particular feature on the app that you’re using maybe it’s Tinder, maybe it’s Bumble, then they will select the best photo for you. And I encourage people to let AI and the algorithms and all of these features on the apps help them in their romantic journey. But you can’t post and it’s always the photos that get people, again, in the way of success. So, in other words, people are posting party photos. But if you say you’re seeking a serious relationship, you’re forcing your date to figure out who is the person that’s actually going to show up on the date is it the party girl or party guy? There was a survey that came out from Bumble recently and showed that 72 percent of singles are looking to find a long-term partner in 2025 this year.
Lastly, if it’s a sloppy profile or they’re not using all of the digital real estate and posting what they’re looking for and they’re using cliches like I’m looking for someone to go on a beach walk or watch a sunset. I can go from a black tie to jeans. I mean, I want to know if you’re going black tie, where are you going? Did you go to an award show? What beach is your favorite beach? And do you swim in the ocean? Do you snorkel or scuba dive? You need to be a little more specific so somebody can ask you more questions about your liking scuba diving. When did you get certified? It allows people to start conversations. It’s so important that this profile is intriguing to someone because single men and women come to me and say, every profile looks the same and you want to be a little more unique.
What are some other unrealistic expectations people have about online dating?
Have you heard the popular song from this summer “I’m looking for a guy in Finance, Trust Fund, blue eyes, six five.” Finance has now replaced doctor or lawyer as the top attractive field, which the song reflects as the top 1 percent of men in the United States. The other 99 percent are getting lucky and falling in love and getting married. And, only 1.3 percent of men in the U.S. inherited a trust fund. Only 1 percent of men in the U.S. are six foot four or taller with five foot nine being the average. So, when every woman says I want a man at six feet tall, I’m like the average man is five foot nine. And would you not like him if he’s amazing and you just connect and he’s five foot eight? Lastly, blue eyes rank number two behind brown eyes. So, it’s about the most realistic thing. If you can just say, I’m looking for a man who has blue eyes and forget the rest of it, you might have a chance of meeting somebody terrific. Because as I said, six foot, which is what everybody says to me, and I go, no, no, no, we’re going to go deal five foot eight.
How do we get past that initial attraction to build a lasting connection?
Well, when you find a profile of someone who looks interesting, you need to be interested. And what that means is you need to reach out and women please reach out. And you don’t play hard to get, I’m waiting for somebody to reach out to me because that great guy could have been a good match for you suddenly met somebody the day after and you didn’t respond to them. So, respond promptly if somebody that you’re interested in writes to you. Don’t sleep on it. Write back. He’s on his phone. As far as making the first move, you should consider making the first move because a man will tell me. I was so flattered that this person wrote to me because I was so frustrated that I wrote to 50 women in one week and only two or three wrote back to me and I’m exhausted. So, when they receive a message from you that is fun, flirty and intriguing, it boosts their ego and they want to respond to you and start a conversation. And then of course, my advice is to go from online to the phone, have a phone date and limit it to 20 minutes. If it’s awkward on the phone, do not schedule a date because their list of what they’re hiding in occupation and financial success checks your boxes. If you can’t have a conversation that’s flowing, then just say, I really appreciate your time. It was great talking to you. I don’t think we’re a fit, but I wish you the best.
We’re a pretty divided nation now politically and socially. How is that playing into the online dating field?
It has been playing into the online dating field dramatically. I have a site called LoveInTheAgeOfTrump.com. It was a book I was writing. I did extensive research on the polarization of couples. And whenever we’re in an election cycle, politics rank higher on the dating totem pole than dating a smoker because a smoker might quit. But if we are so opposite in our values and we wouldn’t date across party lines, there’s no point in meeting if people feel that strongly about it. Yet there are other people who say, I refuse to talk about politics on a date. I want to get to know somebody and that’s not important to me. So, in my intake forms, I always have right at the top, tell me about how you feel about dating somebody politically different. How do you feel about talking about politics on a date? And would you date somebody who didn’t vote? These are the types of questions I ask singles to make sure that the person on the left isn’t going to get into a fight with the person on the right.
What are the red flags that you might see for someone?
Some of the red flags that I see when I look at a profile and I look at it with a different eye than most people. But when I look at a profile, I look to see if they’re positive or if they have negative statements. The word don’t is just not something that belongs on your profile. I don’t want to hear what you don’t like. I don’t want to hear that you don’t hike. I don’t want to hear that you don’t work out. I don’t want to hear that you don’t care about religion, I’d rather hear what you do care about. When you see all of these don’ts, it’s almost like they’re giving you this disclaimer where I say don’t match with them. I look for keywords for compatibility and I encourage people to put keywords in for compatibility with other people. There are people who are very athletic and they scroll right down to the part about how often somebody works out. So, everybody has something different, which is why I say use all of that digital real estate on the profile, fill out as many questions and icebreakers and topics so people know how to start a conversation and ask a question.
How do we judge success in online dating?
I judge success in a variety of ways. One is, are they getting more matches? Are they getting more messages? Are the quality of the matches in line with what they’re looking for? Are they going on more dates than they had before? Are they learning what they like and what they don’t like to hone down? When to say, I don’t think we’re fit or yes, I can’t wait to meet you. And then ultimately, my favorite part of what I do is retire people’s dating profiles because they decide to be exclusive with somebody they’ve met online.
Do we see this technology changing? Are we going to see more videos? Are we going to see more holograms?
I think AI is playing an important role in the background where people weren’t used to thinking in terms of, is my profile part of AI? But AI helps you to look at a profile and go, we think this person could be a good match for you because you both like whatever activity it might be. Let’s use the example of pickleball. The fastest-growing keyword according to Tinder is pickleball. Pickleball is the fastest-growing sport in the US, but I’m seeing it more and more on profiles. People are saying, okay, you like pickleball and they like pickleball or you’re both looking for marriage or you’ve both been widowed, whatever it may be, they’ll pull out the keywords and they’ll give you these little nudges and say, this might be a good match. And I feel that that’s AI working at its best.
When it comes to online dating, what are the biggest misconceptions and how do they get around them?
The biggest misconception, although it has dissipated, is that people go online because they’re only looking for hookups. And when I think about that and I look at the 72 percent of singles who are looking for a long-term relationship, that’s a misconception because whether you’re on Tinder that used to have that kind of reputation, I have so many clients like Tinder that are getting married and are having families that are really happy. And they’ll go, well, we met on Tinder. But now they’re really proud of it. Another misconception is that some people think that using dating apps is for people who are socially challenged or are either married or losers. I think that the myth about serial daters not looking for a commitment is something that people think about. But once they start meeting compatible people, whether they like them as friends or whether they turn into a romantic partner, it’s an opportunity to expand the social circle with like-minded people. And if you’re staying home and your date card is empty, this is the way to fill it with interesting people.
About Julie Spira
Julie Spira is known as America’s foremost online dating expert and digital matchmaker. A widely respected authority, her insights and comments have appeared on television shows such as Good Morning America and the Today Show, and in publications including The Wall Street Journal, USA Today and The New York Times. Spira is also the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online.
Please visit cyberdatingexpert.com to learn more.
