Signs Your Husband Is A Virtual Pilates Instructor

By Sean Zucker


How do you know if your husband is a virtual Pilates instructor? Unfortunately, if you’re asking the question, you’ve probably already noticed some small changes in his behavior that lead you to suspect he’s taken up a new career or snagged a side gig during Covid. Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, but consistent communication and honesty are needed for any marriage to endure. Without them, a relationship is doomed. Of course, the signs of being a virtual Pilates instructor look different for everyone. But there are some common threads to look for.

Improved Appearance
Seemingly overnight, your husband’s beer gut has given way to a washboard. No longer does he mope around all day in the same black t-shirt and jeans that haven’t been washed in six-plus months. He’s wearing new clothes, actually different outfits every day. Sure, it’s mostly athleisure but at least they’re colorful.

Behavioral Changes
Suddenly, your husband can make it up the stairs without panting. This is a man who used to get gassed bending over to tie his shoes. His most regular exercise was violently flipping all the couch cushions to find which one the remote fell under. Now you wake up every morning to witness him stretching his legs behind his head because it’s “good for blood flow and realigning your chi.” And you’ve noticed he’s developed new skills — like the ability to turn himself into a human pretzel.

Restored Hygiene
You’ve never begged your husband to shower but you’ve often considered it. Admittedly, you would have settled for more deodorant before date night. Now, there’s a cleaner him. This change is welcome, though multiple mid-day sessions of “cleansing his toxins” wasn’t exactly what you had in mind.

Secretive Phone or Computer Use
He hasn’t been this protective of his screen time since he first realized Pornhub had an app. At least then he’d only lock himself in the bathroom. Now he’s taking up the entire garage. You can’t park your car in there anymore because it’ll clash with his minimalist decor. And the plants. So many plants.

He Has An Altered Schedule
The man who never seemed to reserve time for anything other than watching hockey is now swiftly booked through the weekend. Once reliably nearby to the point of exhaustion, he has now progressively become harder to get a hold of.

Friends Seem Uncomfortable Around You
Last weekend when you met friends for socially distanced brunch, none of them could look you in the eyes. What do they know that you don’t. Are they ashamed of this knowledge? Does it make them sad? Are they embarrassed for you? Are they taking his class? Karen did seem thinner.

Unexplained Expenses
Beyond purchasing an entire new wardrobe from Lululemon, a few other recent credit card charges have made you raise an eye. A $40 extra thick Hatha yoga mat seemed out of character albeit nonthreatening. But the multiple studio grade light figures and iPhone tripod holder tell a different story.

When You Ask About Being A Pilates Instructors, Your Husband Deflects And Avoids
If your spouse is a virtual Pilates instructor, the absolute last thing they’d want to do is talk about with you. So, when you introduce the question, he does everything possible to change the subject or blame you for what you’re thinking and feeling. He may even accuse you of being a virtual Pilates instructor. You can practically accept this as a full-blown confession, as well as a mild compliment he still thinks you’re that flexible.

Look, clear signs are great, but there’s also the unfortunate fact that sometimes in a relationship your gut knows when something is off. If you suspect your husband is a virtual Pilates instructor, he probably is. Sadly, when broaching the topic, if his excuses prove unconvincing—it might be time to reevaluate your union. Or at least demand a cut of the subscription fees.

 

 

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