By Sean Zucker –
I get it. You feel awful, there’s a global pandemic, and you’re thinking you’ve caught the big one. It’s an understandable suspicion. Everything’s a bit foggy, but you’re pretty sure you didn’t feel this ill yesterday and now you’ve got a checklist of symptoms. Of course, you could go see a doctor, but they have so much on their plates right now. Besides, why bother anyone and risk leaving the comfortable confines of your home. If you’re one of the many Americans without proper health insurance, the internet has a few options for you. Step into my proverbial office, drop the sweats and let’s take a look.
Nausea
Your head’s pounding, the rooms spinning, and you feel as though death itself has bestowed its testicles on your chin. Reaper teabagging aside, I think asking yourself one simple question may clear this mess up. What have you done more recently – traveled to COVID-19 hotspot Florida or blacked out alone watching Queen’s Gambit?
Diarrhea
Concerning this, though I’d first like to examine your GrubHub order history. From there we can evaluate whether you may have contracted the virus via food preparation/delivery service or if your excessive discharges are a byproduct of the $60 worth of Taco Bell ordered at 2:13 am last night.
Vomiting
Again, going to have to point toward Taco Bell on this one. I can smell it through the screen.
Loss of Taste or Smell
Have you lost your ability to taste peanut butter or do you smell like peanut butter because you haven’t showered in four days and are becoming desensitized to it?
Inability to Wake or Stay Awake
From a medical standpoint it’s important to point out Jägerbomb’s are a lot less harmful when being taken from a douchey Wall Street bar with your work friends than from your bedside table alone at 2 pm. Red Bull gives you wrinkles. Sleep wrinkles.
Muscle Aches
I’m going to assume the aches you’re feeling are actually bruises. I say this because I can see them all over your body. After slamming Tito’s, did you by chance stumble a bit tryna make a “WAP” TikTok? Twerking is a lot harder than it looks, especially when you’re doing it on a coffee table. Stop me if I’m mistaken.
Fever and Chills
Frightening symptoms that often appear simultaneously and play off each other. Recurrent rapid muscle contraction and relaxation is the body’s way of producing heat when it feels cold causing you to shake and shiver. Of course, it could be coronavirus. Chills tend to act as a predictor of a fever or an increase in the body’s core temperature due to a viral infection. It can also reflect a general feeling of fear and anxiety. Maybe natural anxieties about how the pandemic is being handled and fear that you may die from it because it’s not being handled at all. This raises a few crucial medical questions. When will the vaccine be available? Will it be effective? How will it be distributed? Could the next administration handle it better? Will there be a next administration? How much CNN did you watch last night? How much were you drinking while doing so? All important questions that may help explain your current condition.
Trouble Breathing
We’ve now entered the arena of symptoms that may require immediate medical assistance, though the details are vital. Difficulty breathing following uncontrollable coughing and chest tightness may indicate not only coronavirus but a severe and progressing case of it. However, difficulty breathing during an intense beer chugging exercise, be it a straightforward classic can-in-the-face technique or surprisingly impressive solo funnel method, is more likely an ill-fated attempt to accelerate hair of the dog treatment.
Bluish Lips
After an initial examination, I can say with some confidence the color of your lips are less bluish and more reddish. As in, the color of the wine. Pretty much covering your tongue and teeth as well. You may not be seeing anyone ever, but I’d still prescribe regularly brushing your teeth and maybe some whitening strips.
Persistent Pain or Pressure In the Chest
Another indicator your condition could be worsening to such a degree it may become fatal. Though, to fully gauge the severity of this pain, it’s necessary to confirm this is physical pain and not emotional pain. Chances are what you’re experiencing may be less an incapacity to obtain enough oxygen and more an inability to face your actions. Also known as shame. I can’t say I blame you. Unless you’re one of the four Karens thriving in this environment, it’s probably been tough to look in the mirror. Do you recognize the person staring back at you? An unwashed, disheveled lifeless gaze. Maybe that was already there pre-pandemic, but at least you had good teeth. While my fake medical degree is in general medicine rather than psychology, I can recommend a few solid mental health best practices, namely acceptance. Because if you can accept what you’ve done and what you’ve consumed, you’ll have an easier time accepting all of this.
