A Message From Your iPhone

By Sean Zucker


Dear Apple Community,

It is apparent by now that you’ve likely encountered the recent CNN report regarding some of our products and the theoretically harmful impact they may have on your bodily functions. Sure, all four iPhone 12 models contain magnets that emit electromagnetic fields which could, hypothetically, interfere with medical devices such as pacemakers and defibrillators. Consequently, we now recommended keeping your iPhone at least six inches away from your heart at all times. However, it is equally worth revisiting the caveats we conveniently, reliably and graciously add to the fine print in all our advertising materials.

Before purchasing a new device, talk to your doctor to see if your heart is healthy enough for an iPhone 12. If you encounter the brightness of an iPhone 12’s screen for more than four hours, call your doctor because our phones’ batteries do not last that long. Do not purchase an iPhone 12 if you take nitrates for chest pain or have previously owned an Android, as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure and you will not be able to adjust to the new operating system or switch over all prior applications. Common side effects include nausea, sweating, rapid battery drain, inability to recharge, regularly fluctuating headphone jacks, Bluetooth disconnection, identity theft, and shortness of breath. Do not purchase your iPhone 12 if you have a sudden decrease in vision, loss of hearing or less than $1,200 in savings. It is not known if the iPhone 12 is safe and effective for children.

There are currently over 100 million iPhone users in the Unites States experiencing some level of digital disfunction. You’re not alone. But don’t let it get in the way of your happiness. The new device from America’s most trusted cell phone developer can help give you a more satisfying social performance. Talk to your doctor and/or local loan officer today to see if the new iPhone 12 is right for you.

 

 

 

leave a reply