Nosepicker’s Guide To Coronavirus

By Sean Zucker


You’re one of them, the selective few. Those who dare to dig. The one’s who celebrate in solitude, mining for treasure or misguided relief from allergies. You’re a nosepicker. Though, if one old study has anything to say about it, this group may actually be the true silent majority as the Dean Foundation reports over 91 percent of Americans admitted to occasionally engaging in nasal penetration. So, it seems we’re all gross. But alas, the shame of being caught with a finger up your nose, may be the least of our boogery concerns.

According to CNN, there has never been a worse time to plug away at your inner nostrils. Not only are people spreading their own bacteria and viruses onto everything they touch afterwards, the network recently reported, but they’re also transferring germs directly from their fingertips into their nose. In short, this ugly practice is a perfectly efficient action plan to contract Covid-19.

If you’re not one of the modest 9 percent who avoid this activity, congrats on your continued respiratory health and dignified existence. For the authentically sordid remaining majority, this is a devasting, uh, blow. But bad puns are not our only solace. There are plenty of picking alternatives that’ll be far less harmful towards your health and image. They may even generate real benefits.

Pick a Banjo
Never bad time to learn a new instrument. Despite what the plot of Deliverance thought you, banjos are historically interesting, cool sounding instruments. But if you’re so inclined to also play on the porch, at least you’ll still likely be avoiding the Covid crowds.

Pick Six
Load up Madden 20, find your least favorite quarterback and wreak havoc on him. Plus, you’ll be inside playing video games and therefor avoiding contracting or transmitting coronavirus, which is good. If you’re feeling extra inspired, change the difficulty to Rookie and go for an all-time stat line, I believe the record is four in a game.

Pick Up Around The House
I know you’ve been pushing it off. Fair, it’s not as though you’re having many (any) guests right now but cluttering to that degree is not healthy. Plus, it’ll be good for your mental state, giving you an attainable goal and keeping your mind off all the awful things going on in the world, not to mention that awful smell going on nearby.

Pick Pocket
Obviously, you shouldn’t and currently likely can’t steal from someone else’s pocket, but you can rob your own. Whether it’s money, important receipts, old concert tickets or long-lost jewelry there’s bound to be something of value in some of those aging jeans you’ve long plumped out of. And you finally have the time to go through them. While you’re there, throw out or donate the dated trousers, you’re never going to be a 28 waist again.

Pick Flowers For Your Significant Other
Floral presents are never a bad idea, especially considering this is probably the only person you see most days. And I’m sure you have something to make up for or rectify. If nothing else, they’ve been watching you deeply inspect your nostrils for god knows how long and deserve some appreciation for not dumping your disease-ridden fingers.

Go Apple Picking
It’s a great pandemic activity if crowds are low and distance is upheld. Let it be a safe reminder of how fun it is doing things, especially out of the house. Additionally, it’s an excellent date idea if the flowers didn’t do the trick.

Pick A Card, Any Card
Again, there’s never been a better time to develop a new skill or hobby and despite what the plot execution of Now You See Me might have told you, magic tricks are dope.

Pick Your Bachelor Contestant
New season just started and watching it may be the best excuse to stay inside. But you need someone to root for. Who do you want as Matt’s future wife?

Pick A Destination
When/if we overcome coronavirus and the world opens back up, where’s the first place you’ll travel? Do you want to pick your nose on top of the Great Wall? Wipe your mucus across the Eiffel Tower? Maybe, flick em off the Empire State Building? Shoot a snot rocket over the Cliffs of Moher? The world is your tissue.

 

 

 

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