By Sean Zucker –
I was browsing Goop’s expansive landscape when I first saw her. While initially, I was considering the charcoal body scrub or taking out a second mortgage for the beautiful $3,500 24k golden dildo, something told me I needed more. I scrolled down further and there she was –This Smells Like My Vagina candle. Labeled as having a “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent,” I couldn’t help but wonder if it would smell like my vagina? Or, gulp, Gwyneth’s vagina? Maybe a combination of the two. For only four interest-free payments of $18.75, I had to find out.
I was exploding with excitation. What a glorious, impeccable tribute to the female body, which Gwyneth claims would “put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.” Your apartment smells like how wearing leggings feel, they’ll say. Did Phoebe Waller-Bridges help concoct this scent? I’ll be an icon. My vagina candle is a statement of status.
Bursting with pride in my purchase, I gleefully awaited delivery and a mere 15 days and $14.99 international express shipping later, she came home. After ripping into the box and tossing packing plastic aside, I had her in my arms. Black and sleek with a big white label, she’s exactly how I imagined her. My vagina candle is perfect for minimalist decor.
I slowly raised her and brought my face in closer. First whiff, I discovered this is what my vagina smells like. Rosey and adventurous, with a hint of citrus. This will change everything. I am finally who I was born to be. My vagina candle is an inspiration.
But where to lay her. It had to be the perfect place. An impeccable shrine to the female body and it’s luscious aromas. On the bookshelf? No, too many distractions from her glory. Coffee table? Not enough flare, she deserves more. Bedside table? I’d love to keep her close to me as I sleep but I don’t want to hide her. In between all my house plants above the fireplace? It’s perfect. My vagina candle is a scorching parade of life.
Our first night together, I dreamt of magnificent eruptions. I’d destroyed the world of old, and was leading a brighter, more positive new age. I was limited by nothing and no one. Walking through the ashes of my former restraints, I could smell the burning envy of my peers. It smelt so real. It was. My apartment was on fire. My vagina candle is a huge fire hazard.
I awoke in a blissful panic. My home had become a penetrating inferno, with a hint of citrus. Bits were flying everywhere. Parts of me. Memories. Everything I’d come to cherish was sweltering before my eyes. I began to question some of the choices I had made. My vagina candle is a stark reminder of the importance of quality renter’s insurance.
Standing outside my building, watching it crumble to the ground, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was all my fault. Was I focusing too heavily on material things that didn’t really matter? Life isn’t about tangible, meaningless objects. It’s about human connection, love and leaving the world in a better place than you inherited it. I knew all this the moment I saw her, Goop’s This Smells Like My Orgasm candle. Only $75 with free shipping? My orgasm candle is exactly what I need.