By Sean Zucker –
Can safety be sexy? The CDC says no. According to new guidelines, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has recommended men shave or trim their beards to avoid contracting and housing particles that may contain COVID-19 within the hair follicles. They also warn that facial hair poses a risk to the effectiveness of respirators as it may prevent the exhalation valve from functioning properly. But at what cost?
In times as dire as these, is it really wise to further stomp out some of the last crumbs of joy we have left? To wipe out thousands, if not millions, of hot hairy dudes in one fell swoop. Imagine the impact that will have on group morale. We’d lose faith. We may be nearing 6 million cases nationally but that’s no reason to exterminate hope. Hope is what keeps us going – was that not the theme of Max Mad: Fury Road? Do you think Tom Hardy would have made it out of that apocalyptic hellscape without the help of a little scruff. If we’re heading towards our own global Armageddon, we cannot lose sight of that lesson.
But that’s not even the most concerning element of these new constrictions. Does the CDC understand we are entering the most wonderful and erotic time of the year: No-Shave November? Do they understand the sacrifice we’d be facing? Let us not forget the core principle of this glorious month, to raise awareness of men’s health issues, such as prostate cancer, testicular cancer and men’s suicide, which are absolutely not completely forgotten every year because they’re inherently less important than rugged studs with beards.
As the colder months approach, we must ask ourselves: What will protect the brave, chiseled faces of our favorite wannabe lumberjacks? Much like the masks of March, will we witness the rise of a new facial shield? One thing is certain. The time of beards has ended, and the time of the clean-shaven has arrived. RIP Aragorn. Hail Legolas.